My baby was taking a bath with her dad, when she reached for the hot water knob and tried to turn it. I knew of a boy who had scalded the bottoms of his feet in the sink, so I said, “No, don’t touch. Hot! Ouch!” She tilted her head, looked at me, and did it again. Her daddy laughed, thinking it was so cute how she defied her mama. “What a spunky child!” he thought. “Look at her independence emerging!”
But, I saw it as nothing special. It is normal developmental behavior to try again. For example, if they don’t try again to walk, after falling, they will never learn to walk. But, you, the parent, are supposed to teach them how to do what you say when something is dangerous. So, I pushed her hand away, and said in a stern voice, “No. Don’t touch. Hot!” When she did it a third time, I slapped her hand, and stared at her. It didn’t hurt her, because she didn’t cry. She just looked startled. She looked at me, looked at the hot water handle, and before she could even make the good choice, her dad began yelling at me, “Why did you do that?! Why did you slap her?!” At first, she understood me, “Oh! It must be danger. Mama slapped my hand away and has never done that before.” But now, she learned a whole new game. She learned, “If I disobey Mama in front of Daddy, he laughs. And then, Daddy pushes Mama away with his words and energy. And I get all of his attention.”
Whenever she was with me, she would not touch the handle. If she was with us together, she would turn the knob. We couldn’t even have a conversation anymore during bath time, because, whether it was in the sink or the tub, she would reach for the hot water handle. This stopped our adult conversations, as he repeatedly had to gently move her hand away, explain to her that it was hot, and try to distract her with a toy. She had learned how to prevent us from talking to each other, and to just focus on her.
If I could discipline her without starting a big fight, I would have quickly ended bath time. By now, she knew the rules. If she defied them, I would have scooped her out, drained the tub, and without a word, dried her off, and put on her pajamas. But with him there, I had no power to teach her. She was in charge when daddy was around. He was creating the queen of manipulation right before my eyes.
One day, he headed out on a walk, pushing her in the baby buggy. He walked slowly, waiting for me to catch up. When I ran up to them, excited to get some fresh air and exercise together, she reached out of the baby buggy, and hit me. I was shocked, but her dad went into hysterical laughter. I was so hurt, and most of all disturbed. What were we creating here? A child who divides two people who were best friends? It’s not her fault—he could have stayed united with me, by saying, “No, we don’t hit mommy. Mommy comes with us on the walk.” And then, he and I could have discussed how to arrange more one-on-one daddy time, because clearly, she wanted him alone.
I think it is good for kids to be away from their moms. Too often, they are always with their mothers, until a divorce happens. Only then, do most kids get to experience the independence of being alone with their dads.
But we never got that far. He continued to laugh at my expense. She saw that daddy was pleased with her, so she did it again. She screwed up her face, made a fist, and punched me in the leg. As he wailed laughing, I knew that this was becoming a sick dynamic very quickly.
It’s never quite true, when you hear people explain why they got a divorce, because it’s always more complicated than that. But one of the reasons that I walked away, is that I was not about to raise a spoiled, rotten kid. He was turning my magical baby girl into someone who could play people against each other in order to get her way. And I had already seen that he was like that in the world of business. I brought her into this world, and it was my job to shape her into an amazing person. I took this job very seriously.
So, I chose my child over my husband. I knew that I could never teach her as long as he was in my home, undermining my every move. It was more important to me to shape this soul that I had brought into the world, than it was for me to keep the family intact. I left him, so that I could raise her to be the incredible person she has turned out to be.
Kids are cute, and the things they try, can be hilarious. As parents, you can laugh together about all of these moments, later. It can be so much fun to go to bed, and tell each other the stories of what your kid did that day. But never forget, that your job is to raise them, guide them, and teach them. If all you see is how cute they are, you will ruin your child. You will be the only person in the world who thinks they are cute. No one else will even like them.
When my first husband and I were having marital problems, we showed up for couples therapy with our toddler. It didn’t cross my mind to get a babysitter. The therapist looked at me with dread, and said, “No, she can’t come into the session.” The lady started asking coworkers if they could watch my baby. As a new mother, I wasn’t about to have a stranger watch my toddler. So I said firmly and steadily, “No, she stays with me.” The therapist gave me this mortified look, so I gave her my mama-bear glare.
As the therapy session began, I gave my daughter a bottle of water, and cradled her in my lap. As soon as the adults began talking, she promptly fell asleep for the entire session. After diagnosing my husband with severe depression, the therapist looked at my daughter and said, “Wow, I can’t believe your daughter just fell asleep like that. I didn’t expect that to go so well.”
I have therapist friends who have told me stories of their patients’ kids dropping handfuls of dirt from the plants onto the carpet, disrupting the entire session. But how did my toddler know what was expected of her, and how did I get her to do it? To me, we should be able to take our children everywhere and anywhere. They should just be part of our body, used to being carried on our back, in our sling, sitting on our lap, or leaning on us, without needing to be the center of attention.
When I flew to West Africa, I noticed that the mothers and babies were also this in-tune. The plane from the U.S. to Paris, filled with mostly white, French and American people, was a madhouse. The airline attendants were so irritated as they tried to serve dinner to all of the passengers, while children ran and squealed in the aisle and in their work station. I wondered why the parents were allowing this. It seems that in first world countries, parents have no idea how to reign their kids in.
When I stepped onto the plane from Paris to Africa, I found myself in another world. I faced a sea of black Africans, sitting in silence. There were babies on the plane, but I only heard one baby make one small sound. The mother spoke softly, but sternly to her baby, and it stopped immediately. She probably nursed it back to sleep. How is it that these babies were not dominating the space and making life hell for the passengers and airline attendants?
On most American flights, you have to have a high tolerance for babies screaming. On a flight from Seattle to Denver, I watched this young mom try to get her one-year-old to stop crying. She was traveling with a girlfriend, and was clearly embarrassed as her cute little kid acted possessed. It’s face was hot and red as it flailed and screamed. I heard her explain that the baby had no problems flying before this. She kept exclaiming, “Geez! OMG. What is wrong?! Stop it!” The mom could barely hold onto the baby as it arched and threw its body backwards. When the baby finally fell asleep, the flight was almost over. By that time, the mom was sweating, with strands of hair stuck to her face, and looked like she wanted to cry.
As a mother and energy healer, this is what I noticed. Before the baby fell asleep, it was rotating from hysterical crying to uncontrollable laughter. It was probably crying because it was sleepy or had pressure in it’s ears. The laughing spells came from the mother trying to cheer the baby up, by tickling and bouncing it. The mom was making silly faces to make the baby laugh—anything to keep it happy. So, the baby would cry, then, laugh, cry, then laugh.
You can see the difference in this parental behavior and that described above. This mom had no clue what to do. She did not act confident or calm, but joined the baby in being upset. She worked so hard to turn the crying into laughter, which felt insane to me. It was like she was thinking, “Don’t cry. Don’t cry. For God’s sake, don’t cry.” Why not? It’s a great release of energy. As the mom made funny faces to make it laugh, she stimulated it, instead of calming it. She pushed her baby further into delirium. The baby could feel the stress coming from her frustrated mother. So, now, the baby was not just tired, but anxious too, because mommy felt angry. There was this whole energetic cycle happening between mother and baby, that had escalated out of control.
If this were me, in this situation, here is how I would have handled the meltdown. I would let the baby have its normal release of energy through crying, but I would remain calm. I would comfort the child, by nursing it or giving it a bottle. I would take action and cradle it, or rub it’s back, but that would be all. No silly faces and sounds, no exclaiming out loud in frustration, no asking it what is wrong. This is all just a waste of energy. I would have listened to some music with my headsets, as I swayed and hummed, or breathed deeply so the baby could feel and hear my breath. As the baby threw itself backwards, I would have held on tight and kept swaying, but continued to breathe deeply as if nothing was happening. This is hard to do, and takes practice, but it is the secret to raising kids, no matter what age they are. Keep you cool, and ignore the tantrum.
Why? Because then they have no choice but to become in alignment with you. If the baby cries, and I keep holding it, it will eventually fall asleep in my arms. There is nothing more I can do for my child in this moment. I am holding her. I am here. Instead of trying to stop her, I let the delirious energy play out. When she is finished, she will pass out asleep. The next time we are on a plane, and she feels upset, she will remember how we do this. Mama stays calm and ignores her behavior, and baby falls into a deep sleep in Mama’s arms. And that’s that.
If people around you act irritated, or nervous, and offer advice, just ignore them. Your attention should be on your baby, not them. If they talk directly to your baby, turn your child away from them. You are communicating very clearing to your child, so don’t let other people water down your message. Let other people be uncomfortable, because rough moments like this one are pivotal, in establishing the mother and child dance. Stay centered, steady and strong, because how you act in a moment like this one, either creates respect or disrespect from you child. They either learn that you have no clue what you are doing, or that you are strong, in charge, and solid—a person they can trust.
Don’t give in. If your child keeps crying, keep breathing. Staying calm and quiet teaches the baby to do the same. The baby will eventually sync up to your energy. It is learning to flow with you, not against you.
You will hear lots of mothers anxiously talking to their children nonstop, but motherhood can be more silent and peaceful than this. There is no need for endless dialogue from parents. Parents who talk nonstop to their children, are exhausted. Conserve your life force, by communicating through your energy to your child. Be the warm comforting presence, but also stay aloof, and above their tantrums. They will hear what you are saying, loud and clearly.
You can also pray for your child when they are throwing a fit. You can whisper the prayer, sing the prayer, or say it silently in your mind. Since babies have their own Angels assigned to them, call on their Angels to help you parent them. All you have to say, is something like, “Angels, help me!” Within a few minutes, the energy will shift. We aren’t parenting these kids alone. Remember that there are Angels assigned to them, so use them by asking them for help.
I had been journaling on a plane, one time, when I realized that a baby about 5 rows up, had been crying for about 15 minutes or more. So, I decided to do, what I call, an energy tuneup. I could not see the baby, but we could all hear it. I drew a stick figure of the baby in my journal. Then, I let my Angels move my hand and the pen. When I do energy tuneups, the Angels often have me draw the flow of the person’s energy on paper. If I scribble in one place on the drawing, that shows me that the energy is stuck, or blocked in that spot in their body. I keep scribbling back and forth and around and ‘round, until the stagnant energy is flushed out. I don’t even remember now, where the baby’s energy was blocked in its body, but I drew for a couple of minutes until the pen was forming big rings around the baby. These rings show me that the energy field is nice and clear. When I set the pen down, there was silence. I smiled and enjoyed the rest of the flight.
You may not be able to perform energy healings on your kid, but you can learn the power of energy. You can pay attention to what is happening beyond words. You can use your calm energy and actions to bring your child into balance. Many mothers are like frazzled servants, whose kids run right over them. Motherhood can destroy you, or it can push you to find a solid strength and power, that you never knew you had.
I will never forget the time I saw an Angel standing by my daughter’s crib. I was half asleep when my newborn started crying. Because I kept her crib in my room, all I had to do was stand up, take a few steps, pick her up and bring her back to bed with me to nurse her. But I was in such a deep healing sleep after hemorrhaging during the birth, that it took me a few minutes to pull myself out of it. When I finally sat up on the edge of the bed, I was shocked wide awake when I saw an Angel bending over my daughter’s crib.
Usually, if I am going to see an Angel, I see them with my mind’s eye. If I pray, for example, with my eyes closed, I will see Angels with my third eye, like a movie in my mind. In dim lighting, I can sometimes see energy fields and light beings with my physical eyes. This Angel appeared to me very clearly, outlined in yellow-white light. She was tall and strong looking. She had long golden ringlets like hair flowing down her upper body. She was bent over my baby, but I could not see her hands down in the crib, because when I jumped up, she disappeared. I am sure she was still there, but I could not see her.
I was blown away by how such a powerful Angel’s only assignment, was to be completely devoted to my baby. I also, felt so guilty for not jumping up to help my crying daughter right away. My admiration for the power in that angelic presence, took the job of motherhood to a whole new level. Now, the job of getting up in the night, to nurse and burp a baby, seemed to be an honor.
From about ten years old to 16 years old, my family moved to a magical farm on Lilidale Road in West Virginia. During that time, I loved to serve my family. When my mom challenged us to see who could be the most Christ-like, I won, hands-down, among my three other siblings. My family of six, lived off the land, so I felt like Laura in The Little House on the Prairie books. I also read every word of a thick book about how the Amish ran their farms and households. I couldn’t wait to read a little each night in bed. The books had an orderly feel to them, like life was nice and neat, and everything was in place. This felt very grounding to me. The books described my real life, with my hippy parents, who had left society to live off the land. We tilled, planted, weeded, harvested, canned and froze vegetables and fruits for winter. The books I read, made my everyday existence seem so magical as I did endless chores. I made butter, cream, yogurt, granola, and bread to feed the family.
When I was ten years old, my baby sister would cry in her crib, in the late evenings. I would slip in through the cracked door, lean over the crib, and sing to her as I rubbed her back until she fell asleep. As a child, serving made me very happy and fulfilled.
However, when I was 30 years old, tending to an acre-sized garden and a large farmhouse with two small children felt overwhelming. I remember my parents worked as a team, but my husband, would unexpectedly blow up in a rage and storm out if I asked him to help me hang up a shelf, or fix the broken mailbox. I felt stranded in the middle of endless fields in West Virginia, with a tense man who could not communicate in words. He only communicated one thing—he wanted more babies. Deprived of love and support, I knew I had to find a way to regain my health and happiness on my own.
Because a new baby is all-consuming, I had to make a game out of serving if I was ever to regain my health and energy. So, I put my new career as an energy healer on hold for a few months, and played a game that I made up. I would take turns doing something for the baby, something for me, and then, something for my homeschooled kindergartener. I would repeat this pattern over and over again, all day long. It created a momentum that carried me through the day.
I would change the baby’s diaper, get myself a drink, then teach my six-year-old daughter a fun little school lesson. I’d nurse and burp the baby, make and eat some food, then, color with my older daughter for a few minutes. Then, I’d put the baby down to sleep, change my shirt that smelled of sour milk, get something to drink, and read a book to my oldest. And around and around we would go.
Instead of continuously giving until there was nothing left of me, my game brought in many little receiving moments throughout the day. By the evening, I had taken care of myself. I had eaten, I was hydrated, and I had showered—all things that new mothers have no time for.
My game of taking turns, added a rhythm to the endless sea of motherhood. It was fun to think of what would I do on my next turn, so it kept me on my toes. My oldest daughter would also plan what she would need, or want to do, on her next turn. She was very patient with her new sibling because she knew her turn was coming.
Motherhood can be very ungrounding with it’s lack of adult contact and it’s repetitive tasks. Most moms are pretty spaced out when they are stuck at home for days upon days. As an energy healer, I would notice that the moms lived in a floating bubble of energy that had no grounding roots. This was from their isolated world where they nurtured and held children, instead of using their goal-oriented and aggressive energy. As a mom of a new baby, usually at the end of the day, I would wonder, “How did it get this late already?” and “What did I do today?” and “Why is the living room a mess, when I just cleaned it?” My game helped me to stay grounded and in a good mood even though I had no other human contact all day, living way out on a single lane country road.
Many moms let their light grow dim and then feel like they have lost themselves. To keep your spirit alive and bright, you have to connect to the Divine Light. The energy field is made of energy, or light. This high frequency circulates through your body and electromagnetic field, making you feel happy and healthy. It’s like oxygen for the lungs and body—you have to constantly breathe it in. We have to pull energy into ourselves through the vortexes of the energy field to sustain the bubble, or it will go flat, like it’s dehydrated or depleted.
But how to find time to fill with light when all you are thinking about is poopy diapers, spit up, and breast milk? To make sure I kept Divine Light flowing through me, I sang, prayed, and meditated every time I rocked the baby to sleep. I would sit in a rocking chair by the crib or stand and sway with the baby while I sang and prayed out loud.
When she was awake, I would sit on the toy room floor and meditate and journal. She would crawl over my crossed legs while my other daughter played. As I sat with the kids, I would visualize and journal. The energy in the toy room became pure yellow-white light and the Angels would pour in around us from my meditations. I filled the room with music from big speakers and saturated the space with God’s presence. The kids were flooded with this calm power and peace.
Through my career as an energy healer, I just roll my eyes when moms tell me, “You don’t know what it’s like in my house. There is no place or time for me to meditate. I am constantly interrupted.” I learned very quickly to come in and out of meditation and journaling with ease, because as a mom, of course, you get interrupted every couple of minutes. To this day, I don’t think anything of a disruption when I am meditating or visualizing. I just pick up where I left off. If you have little ones at home, you can meditate many times a day in small amounts. We have to let go of the idea that we need a chunk of time alone to be with God, because when you have children in your life, that’s not realistic. So, do your spiritual practice with them all around you. Let them see and feel you bring the power of the Mystery into yourself and into your home.
On some level, this feeling and memory of you pulling in light will be with them forever. They will naturally take care of themselves on all levels as if it is engrained in them. As adults, they will yearn for that feeling of balance, and seek it out. By taking care of your own energy through motherhood, you naturally teach your children how to maintain their own light and happiness.
Have you ever been around kids who constantly ask you for something like, “Will you play with me?” “Can we go to the playground?” “Can we go to the creek?” “Can we get a smoothie?” It’s like they have this secret plot to wear you down until you give in. The more you put them off, the more persistent and needy they become.
Often, when I do energy work on mothers, I feel like I need a huge spatula to slide under them to lift them up off the ground. They are so run-over and depleted that their energy bubble is flattened, like a pancake. But a lot of this exhaustion is just a parenting issue. I believe that this kind of parental torture can be prevented.
When kids are begging, “Can we go to the creek?” or “Can we go to the playground?” it’s so hard to know how to answer. If you say, “Yes, later today,” or “Maybe,” kids want to know exactly when. There are so many things that could prevent you from being able to make that excursion happen. You cannot honestly guarantee that you will be able to take them today. It could rain. A friend could stop by, needing your counsel. You could remember that you were supposed to grocery shop in order to make the dinner you planned. Or you were supposed to run an errand for an event tomorrow, but now you’ve told the kids you’d take them to the playground. This causes so much pressure, because all day long, as you are trying to get everything done, you can feel the energy of the kids, wanting and needing you to fulfill their wishes—pulling on you energetically and depleting you of vital life-force and focus. By the time you get to the playground, your energy field is no longer full, rich and bright. Taking them to play, now feels like a burden.
If you told them that, “Yes, we can go to the playground,” but then, the day takes a turn, and you can’t go after all, the kids have wasted their whole day, eagerly willing the event to happen, and then, feel completely disappointed and sad when it doesn’t happen. They may go off to their rooms sulking or crying a pitiful cry. Then you feel guilty, and the sweet peace of motherhood is ruined. A lot of parents get defensive, and start explaining that they never said “Yes.” They said “Maybe,” and that they had no control over the way the day turned out. But the kid feels like their parent lied to them. Like you promised, and then let them down. This kind of emotional drama can make you feel like you should have never said yes in the first place.
So, I just started saying no. All the time. “No.” To everything fun my kids asked me to do. “No.” If you try this parenting technique out for yourself, at first you might feel like a mean parent, but it is very liberating. When the kids beg, “Can we go to the playground? Can we? Can we?” You just say, “No.” They ask, “Can we have a dance party tonight?” “No.” If they ask, “Why?” I just put my hand up, like a policewoman stopping traffic, to say, “Leave me be.” I don’t need to explain why I am saying no. That just wastes more of my energy. And any explanation that you give someone who wants what they want, can be argued, which is even more of a waste of energy. If you answer their questions, you train kids to badger you even more. But if you give them a clear “No,” kids quickly learn that you are not going to give in to their demands, so they might as well stop pushing you. I also turn my head away. My gesture says, “Stop assaulting me.” They walk away, disappointed, but I am free. The game of harassing mommy is over, because mommy isn’t playing.
Without kids hanging on you, and hoping that you will do what they want you to do, you have more energy to focus on getting everything done on your list. Telling your kids, “No,” creates energetic space around you. It’s a nice clean boundary for you and for them. Then, when you finish all of your chores, and need some fresh air, you can surprise them with, “Hey guys! Want to go to the playground?” They will fly out of their rooms, throw on their shoes and off to the playground you will go.
This clean way of parenting, makes you the unpredictable, fun, spontaneous adult who brings an unexpected breath of fresh air into their daily lives. Instead of their energy pushing and pulling you around, you can steer your own ship and enjoy all of the fun things to do with kids on your own terms when you have plenty to give.
When I see bedraggled parents, I just want to follow them around and show them when their vital energy is being drained. I want to have a little hidden camera on the moms so that I can show them how and when they are allowing their kids to take too much from them.
Kids don’t want to take too much from their parents. They want you to like them. They really want to know when to leave you alone and when to come close. Parents who allow their kids to take too much from them, create insecure, needy children, because kids can feel the unspoken tension and begin to wonder if you even like them. Don’t be afraid to just say, “No,” to your kid, with no explanation. They’ll soon learn that you are just being clear. Once they experience how much fun you are when you protect and maintain your energy, they will respect your space even more. And, without meaning to, you are also showing them how to stay in their own bubble, not take too much from another person, create clean boundaries for themselves, and use their energy wisely.